Men’s Health Magazine gives us a list of 41 Ways to Melt a Woman’s Heart.
This article is a relationship landmine if used incorrectly and without a few clarifications. In the interest of men’s health, I felt I should take it to task and show you where it goes astray and what to avoid.*
*Disclaimer: My comments on this article are meant as a joke, and should in no way be construed as advice. No warranty is implied or given, and no liability will be shouldered. I am not Dear Abby.
- 1. Ask her to dance.
- Slow dancing doesn’t count. You need to get out there and do the Electric Slide with her. No matter how poorly you dance, she will appreciate you making a dork out of yourself for her. She will then proceed to reassess you, and your relationship, based on all the men who dance, and look better than you do on the dance floor.
- 2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.
- Ok, but make sure your hands are clean.
- 3. When she’s coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk toward her as soon as you see her.
- And if she’s carrying packages, hurry or she’ll be pissed and call you lazy.
- 4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.
- If she’s turned her back to you in bed, it’s a sign you’ve done something wrong. Go sleep on the couch like she wants you to.
- 5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.
- If you didn’t have your arm around her when you walked in, then it’s too late. You’re already in trouble.
- 6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.
- Why? This is insane! By no means should you call attention to this in any way. This is like saying, “Whoa! Did you see that?”
- 7. Call her when you’re feeling sad.
- “Hi Honey. I’m feeling kind of down. Could you come over so we could have sex?” Do I need to go into this further? Men don’t talk about their problems. Especially not to women, and especially not on the phone. We just want to forget. Sex is the best way to do that. So unless you’re going to call and ask for sex, stay off the phone. My advice? Break out the pr0n and proclaim the day Palm Sunday. You’ll feel better right away, and you’ll avoid having to open up about your problems.
- 8. Kiss her eyelids.
- Lightly. No big wet kisses. You don’t want to seal her eyelids shut with saliva now do you?
- 9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.
- Ticking timebomb. Under no circumstances should you laugh. Even if she makes fun of herself. Commit the following phrases to memory. “Aww, how cute.” and “How adorable.” Avoid making any comparisons whatsoever. Do not embellish these phrases at all. eg. “Aww, look how cute you were back then.” Back then only says she’s not cute now. Get it? Just keep repeating those phrases. Men are supposed to be dumb as monkeys anyway, so she won’t pay any attention to your lack of creative compliments.
- 10. Wash her from head to toe in the shower.
- And if she’s that kind of girl, you are cleared to say, “Who’s a dirty girl?” while you do it.
- 11. If she’s crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.
- Unless she just broke up with you, or you did something to piss her off, in which case it’s advisable to stay put and take it like a man.
- 12. Stand her naked on a sturdy chair and lick between her legs.
- Make sure all mirrors or reflective surfaces have been removed from the room first. You don’t want this to turn into a Q&A about the size of her ass.
- 13. Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.
- I recommend avoiding this as it will only bring back memories of her parents yelling at her. Also, I’ve found most girls don’t like their middle names anyway. Of course if you are in an argument with her, by all means call her every name you can think of. She will certainly hate you using her full name, so it’s a nice dig.
- 14. Buy her your favorite rock album of all time on vinyl.
- Why would I buy her my favorite rock album? Must be a typo. In either case, this is a moot point and strictly generational, as most music isn’t manufactured on vinyl anymore anyway.
- 15. Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.
- Where? While you’re on line at Starbucks when she’s standing right next to you? She has a mouth, let her use it.
- 16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.
- Undress her and leave her in the car. It’s funnier that way. And It’ll make a great story when the grandkids want to hear about the old days. “Honey, remember the time…”
- 17. Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.
- That is, if you can remember when it is. Men don’t keep track of these things. That’s what women are for.
- 18. Send her something in the mail. Anything.
- Not Anything. Anything can get you in trouble. Stick to cards and letters.
- 19. When she’s feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.
- Yeah, go ahead. She might like that. But I guarantee she’ll love you if you go and get her a pint of her favorite Ben&Jerry’s ice cream, or some chocolate. Let her spend some quality time with her blanket, some ice cream or chocolates, and Melrose Place reruns. She’ll be right as rain by morning.
- 20. Call her just before you get on the plane.
- Because of course calling from the plane could cost you $30 dollars, you cheapskate.
- 21. Pick her clothes up off the floor.
- Why? She left them there. This will only succeed in pissing her off when you show you don’t know where they belong.
- 22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she’s feeling down.
- Farting, or playing videos of the Three Stooges does not count as trying desperately.
- 23. Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.
- As if that’s possible for a man. That’s like asking Popeye to bring a can of spinach to a fight with Bluto, but not use it.
- 24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.
- Again, make sure your hands are clean. Especially when you come back from the bathroom. Also, make sure they’re dry.
- 25. Shave just before you see her. She’ll notice.
- If you only shave on sex night, she’ll notice that too.
- 26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.
- The key to this is to listen for that little, “Ungh!” sound. Then you know you’ve squeezed hard enough.
- 27. Worship her breasts.
- We do this by default. Men worship whatever breasts they can get they’re hands on. It goes without saying.
- 28. Give her jewelry.
- Oh by all means let’s perpetuate the paternalistic, sexist society that women are always complaining about. They want us to treat them like equals, and yet they want us to lavish them with gifts for no reason. Enough, I say! Let’s give them the equality they deserve by letting them spend their own money on jewelry.
- 29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)
- Possible landmine. Make sure you know the second towel is for her hair. Don’t just think it. You don’t want her to think you’re handing her two towels because she’s fat now do you? And for God’s sake, don’t hand her the red towels.
- 30. Ask her specific questions about her work.
- Like, “Is that bitch still after your job? ” That’ll really spark some conversation.
- 31. Keep her favorite cereal on hand.
- You know, the one she eats as comfort food, right out of the box.
- 32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.
- To which she will counter, “What are you up to?”
- 33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.
- This is part of the male handbook. We are taught this one from a young age. If you screw up a lot though, your flower power becomes null and void.
- 34. Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.
- Who do you think you are, Tom Hanks?
- 35. Moan her name when she goes down on you.
- You damn well better get this one right, or you will hear the door slam before you can pull your pants up. Try and get her to look up at you so you can connect the face with a name.
- 36. Read her a story when it’s her turn to drive during a long road trip.
- Yes, of course! Let’s distract the driver why don’t we? Not to mention the fact that this scenario is pure fantasy. When would a man let a woman drive?
- 37. Offer to fix something in her apartment that you realize is broken.
- Offer only if you know how to fix it in under 5 minutes.
- 38. Notice when she’s wearing something new.
- Not possible. We don’t notice such things. Ever.
- 39. Make love to her standing up, against a wall.
- As opposed to standing up in a hammock. A wall. Yes, of course, why didn’t I think of that?
- 40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.
- Could be construed as possessive or territorial. Be wary of this one. You might seem needy.
- 41. If she’s too stressed to want sex . . .
a.Draw a bath for her.
b. Give her a full-body massage.
c. Ask if she wants to wrestle.
- Ask if she wants to wrestle? Are they nuts? Picture if you will… You’re woman is stressed. For any of the vast, inumerable reasons that women get stressed about. You know this because you asked if she wanted to have sex, and she calmly said, “Not tonight honey, I’m a little too stressed out.” If the next words out of your mouth are, “Ok. Wanna wrestle?” I guarantee you won’t live to see the dawn.
